Thursday, July 1, 2010
Started this one in May, just now getting it posted. I know, I know. Welcome to the procrastination packed world of Loriology. Things have been crazy. Anyway, here it is, finally.

Boyfriend and I got lost in downtown Seattle during rush hour.

That is how we found our new place. Not directly, mind you, but that's what started the sequence of events. Chinatown is on the southern side of downtown Seattle, so we got lost in a tangle of one way streets as we tried to leave it that Thursday afternoon. It was about 5:00 when we left. We got home a little past 6:00. Personally, I didn't mind it. Getting lost is one of the best ways for me to learn my way around. And the weather was surprisingly pleasant. All but one day since we've returned from tour has been ridiculously sunny and beautiful. We ended up driving down a street full of historical apartment buildings. Most of them had posh names and sleek, modernized logos and names. Which I've learned in my apartment hunt means they think it's okay to charge $1600 for a mediocre one bedroom apartment.

One, however, looked pretty cool. It was called The Embassy. (Another red brick building with molded plaster trim. I have a type.) Their sign said 'Now Renting Studio Apartments' with a number underneath. So while we were sitting at the red light adjacent, I gave it a call. Since it was after 5:00, the office was closed, but I left a message for Bruce, the Office Manager. "Hi Bruce, my name is Lori, and I drove past your building today and saw the sign about your Studio apartments for lease. I have a few questions about price and parking, utilities and whatnot. If you could give me a call at ###-###-####, it would be much appreciated. Thank you, and have a great evening."

(Seriously, that's what I sound like on the phone. I'm a dork. Thanks, resume full of reception jobs.)

Now, very few of you know what my voicemail message says. It's crucial to the story, so I'll post it here. I swear to god, this is my real outgoing message. I've had unrecognized numbers call me and the only message left is a second or two of laughter. It came about one night a few years ago right after I moved to Oklahoma. I had terrible insomnia, and was in a goofy mood. Anyway, this is it;

"You have reached the voicemail inbox for Lori, Evil Overlord and Aspiring Ruler of the Universe. To receive information on how to apply for Henchmanship, please press 2. For jetpack maintenance, please press 3. For all other inquiries, leave a message including your name, date and time of inquiry, and interesting subject matter. Due to high call volume and time consuming nefarious activities, only entertaining inquiries will receive a return call. Thank you."

Now, Boyfriend and I are practically nocturnal anyway, but we've become day sleepers since we got back from tour because of work. He leaves for work between 9:00 and 9:30, and returns about sunrise, usually. So my schedule is pretty much the same. Being nocturnal can be a right pain in the ass when it comes to dealing with the rest of the world (banks, governments, coffee shops, etc) but there are a few perks, other than saving on sunscreen. One of the many is that I miss pesky collection and telemarketer calls during the day.

So when we woke up Friday afternoon, about 4:30, I had a message waiting for me from Bruce, the property manager; "Hi this is Bruce from the Embassy Apartments, and maybe your new lair... Alright, (chuckle) sorry, doing my best after hearing your message. If you'd like to check out the apartments.... " Then gives me all the contact/website info.

I'd listened to it in 'bed' (a couple of sleeping bags and blankets on the floor in D's room, in G's house) so Boyfriend heard it, too. We both chuckled along with Bruce. I meant to give him a call back, or at the very least, check out the website, but I was still quite sleepy, and at the lay-in-bed-and-do-nothing-but-maybe-grope-my-significant-other stage of waking up. After three days full of being ignored or rejected by housing inquiries, I was considering posting a housing wanted ad, instead of just sifting through them all. I jokingly said, "That's what I should post as our Craigslist ad; Aspiring Super Villain and Sidekick seek new Lair."

To which Boyfriend responded, "Sidekick!?"

I said, "I know, but 'sidekick' sounds catchier than 'Two Aspiring Villains of Equal Importance and Evildoingness."

Boyfriend mumbled into his pillow, "Yeah, you're right." We snuggled up in bags together, but my brain was quite awake. I was doing my writing thing; turning phrases over in my head, crafting and reshaping them for maximum hilarity. After twenty minutes, I knew I had to do it.

I sat up and grabbed my laptop, and went to work. After the first paragraph or so, Boyfriend had woken fully and was looking over my shoulder, suggesting sentences, amendments and additions. After about an hour of typing, giggling maniacally, and having D remind us what dorks/nerds we are every five minutes or so, I had my lovely ad and an accompanying MS Paint drawing.

Aspiring Super Villain and Sidekick Seek New Lair
An aspiring Super Villain and her magnificent Sidekick are seeking a new Lair, preferably in the Northern neighborhoods of Seattle. However, for the right lair, we'll be willing to go as far south as White Center, or as far north as Lynnwood. We're looking for just one room in an established lair, and would prefer our own bathroom, although that is not a necessity (villains on a budget must accept a few inconveniences.) As far as budget goes, we'd like something around $400 if utilities are not included, and something around $500 if they are. We are, however, a little flexible. We recognize the value of a good lair.

We have no pets, do not smoke, are drug free and the alter ego has a steady day job to save up money for a hypno-ray (which let me tell you, does not come cheap these days.) We would need parking for at least one vehicle, but if you can accommodate our hovertank it would be much appreciated. We also recognize that in the world of Super Villainy, flexibility is key. We would be willing to do month to month, or a 6, 9 or 12 month lease for the right lair.

Potential Roommates/Henchmen must have a sense of humor and be almost as awesome as we are. Those are the only requirements, really. Should you meet our qualifications for henchmenship, we will issue you your uniform and jetpack.

We would gladly wring our hands and laugh maniacally if we found a studio apt, a room in your house, abandoned amusement park, haunted castle, or volcano. If you have any of these available, be a good little minion, and contact us immediately.

Yes, that's the real ad. Unfortunately, it's down now, but it was really on Craigslist for the weekend.

And it worked. This was the second email we received in response;
[Title of the e-mail was: The Lair (No really, that is what I call it)]
Little further south than you are looking for as it is in Burien…. BUT…

Ideal parking, brightly lit room and the wifi SSID is “The Lair”. Could work into longer term than the 2 months currently shown in the ad:


Breathlessly awaiting the monologue before the ax falls!

Boyfriend came over and read over my shoulder when I started making exciting squeally noises. Her ad is down now, too, but the first line of it read, "One bus to rule them all!" and proceeded to use the nearby bus station as a selling point. We chuckled in unison (Boyfriend and I do and say a lot of things in unison. It freaks people out. We delight in those moments.) and Boyfriend said, "She referenced Lord of the Rings in her opening sentence. My kind of nerd."

The ad also said that the room was presently available, and would be available at least through July 31st (which works out perfectly for us, as the next tour starts at the beginning of August.) It also mentioned that if needed, it could be furnished. Also perfect, because we're not moving any of my furniture from Tulsa to Seattle, and Boyfriend doesn't have any. Our potential roommate's ad stated that she was ok with liquor, but absolutely not 420 friendly. Also perfect for us, as Boyfriend and I loathe pot, but love booze (a really strange combination in our creative fields, lemme tell ya.) It only had one bathroom to share, and she had pets, but oh well. (Boyfriend wasn't too keen on the animals, but personally I was excited at the prospect of having pets without actually being their owner. Like the Cool Pet Aunt.)

I was thrilled. I wrote back:
Dear Potential Henchperson,
It seems a further exchange of information is needed. As I am about to retire to my chambers I will wait to hear back from you before contacting you via cell phone, either with a voice or text message.

1-How furnished is furnished? I am hoping this means mattress, because that is much better than loads of comforters and sleeping bags piled on top of each other. It's fun when you're ten years old, but it's just not practical to make a blanket fort every night when you're in your mid-twenties. And I don't know about you, but this Super Villain to be needs some beauty rest every once and a while. If this doesn't mean mattress, I hope you won't mind the aforementioned blanket fort being erected every few nights.

2-We would be looking to occupy our new Lair on June 1st, but may be able to negotiate an earlier occupation... say May 15th? Petty details to be determined at a later date.

3-We survive mostly on a diet of bacon and coffee. Like 'The Oregon Trail', but with less dysentery and fewer snakebites. On the occasion we are not making the kitchen smell like a breakfast oriented greasy spoon, we'll likely be cooking an elaborate family meal. You see, minion, we like to cook. And when we go all out, we go all out. So hopefully you like to eat. It's not every day, but about once a week I fall back on my plan to take over the world by feeding everyone in the vicinity entirely too much delicious food. This plan always backfires, because I too fall prey to the food coma. But I never stop trying. Persistance is the key to World Domination. (Don't worry though, my food coma always drains the villainy out of me long enough to do the dishes.)

4-Google Maps shows us that there is a German deli next door. How is the food?

I will contact you tomorrow evening (later today... did I mention that like all good Villains, we're primarily nocturnal?) to discuss a viewing of the property and perhaps the fitting for your uniform and jetpack.


When we awoke the next morning (and by that I mean afternoon) I checked my email first thing, and discovered a response that had arrived only four hours later.
Dear Super Villain in Training,

First let me say that I am truly sorry the little toe callus has taken over your existence. It seems that you may not have been nearly as evil previous to its appearance. And interesting to note that any number of small Thai or Vietnamese women could be your kryptonite!

Now on to your pertinent inquiries.
Bed… check
Early check in… check
Bacon & coffee… check and check
Others cooking… check
Me eating…. Check
German Deli…status unknown due to shortness of time at current location

Here is the not so skinny.I moved into this place on the first… furniture, over all, has yet to join me. (Although it may by the 15th) What is here is your bed and a small coffee table in the room.

This having been an office between its last time as a residence and this… closet space is, well nonexistent. To that end there are wardrobes in our futures. Sadly, Ikea does not sell the ones with Narnia inside, despite my continued protests to customer service and the UN.

Feel free to call at any hour, if I answer I am awake, if not my vm is always up for a chat.

I am the founder of Ellipsis Anonymous, by the way… We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in my imagination.

As far as my henchmanship goes, I find that I do better at crafting my own hijinx. I think it best we consider a Super Villain alliance rather than a minion hierarchy. I’m not built for tights and jetpacks inevitably scorch my ass.

Last note as far as drawbacks of the place.. the one thing closet sized in the building is the shower. No tub and a shower that may have come from one of those Japanese coffin hotels. The ones where the bed becomes a shower, becomes a storage unit? Yeah… well... it is upright though so that is a bonus.

I don’t have much in the way of recent blogs to let you know about me, but as you are a writer this may help instead, being a bit more personal than a blog. (Not a bad review site either, btw)
[Then she gave me a link to an uber cool review site called Urbis]

It’s my birthday.. yay me! Rent my place so I can celebrate! LOL

I called immediately, even before I got a cup of coffee, and made an appointment to go see it that night. She and I ended up chatting for ten minutes after we set up our meet time.

We arrived about ten minutes past the time we'd discussed (Lori and Boyfriend standard, unfortunately) and called to let her know we were near. She guided us to the little side street behind that leads to the parking, and we met the dogs. There was a nice sized, fenced in porch, and a massive garage. A little bit of a yard for the dogs to play in. The back of the house holds a decent sized kitchen with a ton of counter space. There are two large living rooms, and the room for rent was the back corner of the house. About 8'x13', which was a massive improvement over the Chinatown closet we looked at. A business is run out of the front of the house, and the living quarters are in the back. Within two blocks there are multiple grocery stores, 24-hour pharmacies, bars, amazing smelling Italian places, the library, the post office, and a police station. Factor in the fact that it was all bills included, (cable and wifi part of that) we got along with the roommate, and there were pets that I got to play with... well. I tried to do the 'let us think about it' thing, but after about fifteen minutes it was obvious that this was the fit for us.

We hung out with our soon to be new roommate for another twenty minutes, then ran to one of the nearby grocery stores to pull out cash from an ATM to make a deposit.

When we left the band house, we told D we'd be back in half an hour or so to make dinner, so told him not to give in to the frozen pizzas calling his name. (All of the guys love when I cook big meals for them. They're musicians. Food is one of the primary ways to earn their affection.) Needless to say, D was happy to see us when we arrived two and a half hours later. I made a greek meatloaf that night, humming to myself, happy with the security of a deposit down and a lease signed, five days before we had to leave town for Tulsa. SUCCESS!!


Unknown said...

I decided long ago that your family "Standard Time" varied anywhere from ten minutes to two hours because of the reliance on space travel right before arrival make exact arrival time unpredictable.

Heatherly said...

I love it when you find connections with people like that! Congrats on the new place. :)

Unca T said...

I've been won over by the new roomie. I have an urge to cook for her, and you know what that means... :)

Sara Louise said...

Congrats on the new place! Now the real fun begins...

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Seattle, United States
During this course of study, you will come to learn much about the strange eating, sleeping and mating habits of the Instrospective Lori under stress. We will observe as she moves halfway across the country to start a life with her own Captain Wentworth, takes a year off of work to pursue a writing career, and incessantly references Jane Austen.
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