Monday, January 18, 2010
I've been thinking a lot about my relationship and my future in it. Obviously. I have a tendency to over think everything, and fret and stew over the silliest, tiniest troubles. So though everything is as good as it's ever been, my brain is starting to come down from the high of finally being with him. The fairy tale ending glitter is being brushed off, and the realism is sinking in. There's nothing wrong; in fact, we're stronger now than we've ever been. But the impending move and all that implies is weighing heavy on my worry prone brain.

I'm moving halfway across the country to be with my boyfriend. I feel strange calling him my boyfriend, because for so many years he was just 'the one who got away.' Or rather, I was the one that got away for him. He was my Almost Lover. So now that he actually is my lover, it feels strange to refer to him as something as seemingly fleeting as a lowly boyfriend. I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I wish there was an English word to convey how deeply I care for him. I'm sure he knows, but sometimes I worry that I don't know it.

For years my heart and head have warred. Particularly where he's concerned, and it's no different now. I used to over think every flirtatious nuance of our conversations and debate whether or not he was attracted to me (head thought he wasn't, heart knew he was... and he totally was). Now the argument is whether or not our feelings for each other are enough. My heart and gut tell me that we'll be fine. That this is Happily Ever After, even if the first part of Ever After is spent penniless and touring the country for his music. Gypsies deserve to be happy, too. I'm not so much worried about the money, or the how's and where's... the what if's are the ones that get me. What if love isn't enough? Not in the fiscal sense, I mean in the emotional one.

Our entire relationship has been plagued by him getting closer to me than he had previously, and then getting afraid and running away. I know this time is different. It's logical. My heart however, is scared that he might disappear again. He's done nothing to give any indication that he's going to run. In fact, when I voice some of these silly fears and insecurities to him, he reassures me dutifully. Right now he's sleeping on a patch of floor between an air mattress and a closet in someone else's bedroom. He's been living out of a suitcase since October, just so that he can be with me. It's been almost five months, and he hasn't turned tail. Logically, I know he's not going to. But that doesn't stop me from being any less afraid that he will.

I also worry that my social retardation is going to kill us. Since I was 16, I've managed to avoid getting into serious relationships. I would look too logically at my love life, and see where the budding relationship was going. Even if I thought it might be fun to seriously date someone, all I could see is how it would end. I'd only see how the flaws would hurt me, not how happy the quirks would make me. I would kill it before it could start. Preemptive termination of relationships that hadn't even begun. When I look ahead to what our life together will be like, I don't see an end. So with my previous history, that tells my strange little brain that Boyfriend and I won't have an end. But that doesn't stop me from worrying that my inexperience will hurt or even ruin my current relationship.

I can talk to him about everything. All but one subject, and that's my legitimate emotional insecurities. I have no problem poking and tugging on my jiggly bits while standing in my underwear in front of him. Sometimes I treat him more like he's one of my girlfriends in that respect. He puts up with me fabulously. But I can't put voice to my emotional jiggly bits. Sometimes I try and they literally get stuck in my throat. I swallow, and try to breathe, but even that seems too difficult. So I stay silent on these issues and let them fester. I know it's not healthy, but it's what I do. It's a very difficult habit to break. I'm just so afraid to give him something to use against me. I don't know if he would ever use anything like that against me in an argument. We haven't even bickered yet (I'm sure it will happen on tour), but I don't think he's the type of person that would use information given in a moment of vulnerability to his own advantage. I'm entirely sure my fear of divulging my innermost worries to him stems more from my own skewed views of emotional strength and weakness. I don't want to preface anything I might say with "I'm just emotional right now," or "I'm just feeling paranoid and insecure," because I want the things I say to be taken seriously and not brushed aside. Then again, most of the time the things that circle my mind are just paranoid, insecure and emotional fleeting thoughts that have no basis in logic. Then again, when it comes to him, my head has only gotten me in trouble when it wins out over my heart. It took me five years to learn to let my heart have its way where he was concerned. Five years that would have been a lot simpler if I had been braver or trusted my own instincts more, instead of thinking so damn much.

So I will stay quiet, and let these insecure thoughts and feelings run their course inside my head. Even if I did voice them, there's nothing he could do to reassure me that he isn't already doing. I'm sure these nasty little thinks will disappear (or at least lessen) once I live with him. My insecurities are at their peak when we're apart. I'm sure all of my paranoia comes from our bumpy history. He's grown so much in the last five years. I can see it. He's grown tremendously in the last two alone. The selfish boy who broke my heart so many moons ago, who denied both of us a chance at happiness because he was scared, has started to disappear. In his place is a young man who is unafraid of happiness, who grasps at it with both hands and doesn't want to let go. He's still a boy in many ways, but I see the path he is heading down, and I know that he will be a marvelous companion for me. What I need to do is let go of the past, specifically his past, and let myself be pleased by the present. I can hold him accountable for the mistakes he's made in the past, and I can remember the hurt he caused... but I can't continue to let those old mistakes hurt me, and I should not punish his past actions now. All I can do is open myself up to the happiness that is right in front of me, and enjoy it for what it is. Time and happiness will heal the old wounds.


Unknown said...

I think it all boils down to the old phrase, "Actions speak louder than words." Trust is built over time, and because he bailed on you in the past the guy doesn't enter this relationship with a clean slate. Just don't feel too guilty about the fact that for a while he's just going to have to pull a little more weight in the relationship to make up for it. And you have every right to feel insecure also because you're putting your trust in someone who bailed on you in the past, but also you are moving across the country from the rest of your immediate family. That's huge even for a relationship with no negative history. (I mean my friend Shar is in a very solid relationship, is engaged, and it's still overwhelming moving to where he is and where her immediate family is not.)

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During this course of study, you will come to learn much about the strange eating, sleeping and mating habits of the Instrospective Lori under stress. We will observe as she moves halfway across the country to start a life with her own Captain Wentworth, takes a year off of work to pursue a writing career, and incessantly references Jane Austen.
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