Saturday, February 20, 2010
So last night I did something which has become a bit of a tradition with my friends and I. It started a few years ago with the Gay Best Friend and I sneaking a small bottle of vodka into the Lindsey Lohan movie "I Know Who Killed Me."

Last year, the Bestest and I took my mother to see Twilight, as she couldn't wrap her mind around how terrible watching Vampires play baseball was. Also, she didn't believe how Kristen Stewart vomits up her words until she actually saw it. Needless to say, she spent a good portion of the movie trying to stifle her laughs, so not to disturb the 14 year olds who were actually enjoying the movie. I however, did not. I laughed and mocked openly.

Last night we went to see New Moon, Sailor Jerry successfully hidden in my purse. Honestly, it's the only thing that got me through that movie. Twenty minutes in, all we had seen was Deadward and Mary Sue trying desperately to have some on screen chemistry and failing. Oh, and Jacob 'I'm the only decent character in this series' Black trying to smile and flirt his way into the plot. By the time we get to Bella's birthday party, we've been reminded every thirty seconds that Bella is now 18, and therefore older than Edward. And that is bad. Cause women should be inferior to the men in their lives in every possible way, right Stephenie Meyer?

I know it's bad form for aspiring writers to publicly criticize an established writer. I guess what is keeping me safe is that Meyer is not a writer. She's some dime a dozen romance novel reader who went to school to get her MRS degree, and decided to study literature. Then, suddenly she decides to write a book after having a dirty dream about a 17 year old vampire. She doesn't even use the word 'chagrin' correctly, though it's used at least once a chapter. The only reason she got an agent and a publisher so quickly is because they realized what a gold mine they had. They could sell this piece of nonsensical fluff to tweenage girls and voila, easy money. She's the Britney Spears of the publishing industry. I could go on and on about my loathing of Stephenie Meyer, but I won't. I'll leave it to one little paragraph and walk away.

My favorite moment of the movie, however, came when the rum had just made my head start to spin. Bella encounters the werewolves, and runs to her father to warn him that it's not a bear killing hikers. In her painfully strained way of barfing out her lines, Kristen Stewart manages to put forward her most emotion to get out, "They are not bears!"

Clearly, not bears.

For some reason (probably alcohol induced) I found this to be the funniest part of the movie. Other than the horrible CGI. I mean, really, could they have rushed this movie any faster? I've since been running around randomly saying, "They are not bears!" and laughing like a maniac.

The Bestest and I had a great time making fun of the terrible movie, the terrible story, and the terrible acting. But we did spend a good deal of the movie talking and having entirely too much fun. At one point, she leaned over and said, "One of the many reasons I love you is because you ignore my stutter."

I responded with, "That's because you ignore mine, too!"

We both laughed and she said, "Oh, I love us! Let's touch foreheads!" And we did. And we giggled.

And to round out this horribly disjointed blog, I'll close with some of my funnier text messages, and leave out most of the part of the night where I turned into a weeping, insecure shithead and accused Boyfriend of not really loving me. (Yeah, I'm that kind of obnoxious, ridiculous drunk.)

Me: This is a 2fer. I can make fun of mormonns and shitty bampires!
BF: Bampires!? You adorable lush!

My phone has a qwerty keyboard, which I'm still trying to get used to, even though I've had this phone for almost a year. And it makes for some mighty funny drunk typos. My mother, the Bestest and I were discussing the sort of murder Stephenie Meyer deserves to have acted upon her. We decided exsanguination would only be appropriate. And my mother came up with the brilliant idea that it should be by paper cut. One paper cut per page that she's had published.

Me: My teeth are numb, usy can we still stop be by suffer.
Me: One page by paper cut.
BF: What? I have no idea what those mean.
Me: I cant read englisjh!!!!

The other day, Boyfriend posted a link to a comic on my facebook. He just sent it to me because we both enjoy webcomics, but the website had a most serendipitous update between when he sent it and when I read it. It turned out to be an e-card marriage proposal. When I asked Boyfriend if he sent it as a humorous way to tell me he loved me, or if he was actually proposing, (We've discussed the 'somedays' of getting married and raising kids and being old together) he said the comic hadn't updated when he sent it to me, but he was very glad it had. That made me smile.

The closer I get to leaving the nest, the more I'm freaking out. I suppose it's natural, as this is a big step, not only for me as a person, but for our relationship. And we're ridiculously happy now, but we had to travel a very bumpy road to get here. Last night was a drunken flood of insecurities, and he weathered it like a champ (though, as the Bestest said last night, with everything he's put me through in the past, he's got a few years of putting up with me being an insecure bitch before we're close to breaking even.) Still, I don't like being a whiner, and I was a bit mean to him. However, after almost two hours on the phone with him, we sent a few goodnight texts back and forth. Primarily mushy stuff, but this one is funny. Mostly because of the Seussical ring it has to it.

Me: Also... I'm still drunk so drunk i will say, i want you to real propose someday. No comics. With a ring. Not an expensive one. Like, $15 sterling silver one.
BF: Trust me, I'll do something better than a comic.
Me: =) you've no idea that how happy makes me!!!!
BF: I plan on devoting a whole lot of my future to that end!

Good job, Darling, Gold Star.


Sara said...

You should totally watch Twilight with RiffTrax.

"Usually a pale creepy guy staring at you from across the room just means you're eating at Denny's."

Lori said...

I've seen it! A few months ago the Bestest, her awesome boyfriend and I watched it in a blanket fort and drank a mason jar of Apple Pie Moonshine. It was amazing night.

(And yes, I just admitted to viewing Twilight a second time. I've actually seen it thrice. Alcohol was always involved.)

Sara said...

I love RiffTrax. I am tempted to watch the one they did on Titanic. The gallows humor they've got going on in the clip is hilarious and a little sick. LOL

I just have to wait for some time when both Mom and Dad are doing something else. They would hate me spoiling their treasure of a movie.

I saw it a number of times all swoony when it first came out. Now I just find it sappy and annoying.

Lori said...

Wait, you think Titanic is sappy and annoying? Or Twilight?

I lurve Titanic. I admit that it's super cheesy in parts, and I wouldn't mind listening to someone make fun of it. I saw it 11 times in the theater. A little part of me will always love Titanic.

Sara Louise said...

Kristin Stewart vomits her lines... love that! It's the exact way to put it. I thought it was just me who thought she is completely overrated. I just don't get why she's supposed to be this great beautiful actress. But, then again, I'm way past my teen years.

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During this course of study, you will come to learn much about the strange eating, sleeping and mating habits of the Instrospective Lori under stress. We will observe as she moves halfway across the country to start a life with her own Captain Wentworth, takes a year off of work to pursue a writing career, and incessantly references Jane Austen.
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